Love languages can be like foreign languages.
Are you being mistranslated?
Early in our marriage I recall being occasionally frustrated by husband who I thought, at times, was wackado. After he got home from work he would begin rushing around, cleaning things, organizing or fixing things, while I waited on the couch to talk and hear about his day.
He would, on the flip side, be wondering why I was just sitting there, while he played the “everything-has-its-place” game. Both of us wished the other would join in our chosen activity… and both of us were more than annoyed when it didn’t happen.
Understanding there are different love languages.
Fortunately, someone suggested “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. For a couple with a “don’t label me” attitude, we were a little hesitant. However, it was incredibly helpful, describing how to love the other in their native language. (Btw, the last time we checked Amazon there were nearly 12,500 reviews, pulling 5 stars! So it looks like it has been incredibly helpful for quite a few couples.)
According to Chapman, we were both giving our best, but our acts of love weren’t translating as we intended. I am a “Quality Time” girl, you see, and Rick is an “Acts of Service” guy. He was acting to serve me all over the place, while I was ready and waiting to improve the quality of his time!
This was a definite area of conflict. Our love was immature and needed to grow up a bit. We were both trying to love each other by doing the things that would make ourselves feel loved, instead of making the other feel loved.
Learning to speak your partner’s love language, fluently.
Real love requires a bit, ok… A LOT of sacrifice at times, so if we’re really going to show love to one another, we needed to learn how to speak the appropriate language to each other.
For Rick, nothing makes him feel more loved than when I clean out the coffee pot at the end of the day… it doesn’t sound like much (and almost silly). But it’s one less thing he has to do at the end of the day.
Conversely, he knows when he intentionally walks away from his “list” to sit down and ask how my day went, or how I’m doing, I’m going to feel loved.
The five love languages
There may be more, but Chapman describes these five main love languages in his book.
| Words of Affirmation | |
| What to do: | Encourage, affirm, appreciate, empathize. Actively listen. |
| What they love: | Write a heart-felt note, text, or card. If you appreciate them, tell them often. |
| Stay away from: | Non-constructive criticism, not recognizing their efforts. |
| Physical touch | |
| What to do: | Non-verbal: use body language and touch to show love. |
| What they love: | Any physical affection shown regularly. Sit near them and share some space. Make intimacy a priority. |
| Stay away from: | Getting too busy to give a loving touch. Withholding sex, or receiving affection coldly. |
| RECEIVING GIFTS | |
| What to do: | Thoughtful, purposeful acts to show they are present in your mind. |
| What they love: | Give thoughtful gifts. Do little things that matter to them. Show you appreciate gifts they give you. |
| Stay away from: | Forgetting special occasions, unenthusiastic gift receiving. |
| QUALITY TIME | |
| What to do: | Uninterrupted and focused conversations. One-on-one time is critical. |
| What they love: | Make time for special moments together, take walks and put away phones when you talk. Weekend getaways are a real treat. |
| Stay away from: | Distractions when spending time together. Ignoring the need for one-on-one time. |
| Acts of Service | |
| What to do: | Use action phrases like “Can I help you with that?” They want to know you appreciate your efforts, and they appreciate your help. |
| What they love: | Do chores that they usually do, so they don’t have to. Go out of your way to help alleviate their daily workload. |
| Stay away from: | Making the requests of others a higher priority, lacking follow-through on tasks big and small. |
Here are a few questions to help figure out what your primary love language might be:
- How do you know your partner loves you? What do they do that makes you know you are loved?
- When you want to show your love, what do you do to show it? Generally, people will “speak” their love language to others – whether it’s the other’s language or not.
- What does your partner do that hurts you and makes you feel unloved? Do they ignore you when you want to talk about something? Do they withhold physical touch? Is there a language you wish they would “speak” that’s missing?
Mastering Multiple Love Languages!
As I said, this was a big eye-opener to us. We realized what we were doing (and not doing), and that we needed to “speak” to each other more clearly.
Another interesting thing that began to happen was that, once we were aware of each other’s love languages and began to speak them more intentionally, we also began to appreciate the other’s language more. I started noticing how nice all the little things he did for me made my day. He started wanting to sit down and talk more, and would even suggest heading to a coffee shop to read books together and hang out.
What we’ve realized is, just like learning a spoken language, as we practice each other’s love language and become more proficient, we appreciate them more as our own. When this happens, it gives you twice as many ways to say, “I love you!”
